No. 21

‘No state of motherhood is forever, and that is both a relief and a heartbreak.’ 

Ace is just over seven and a half months old as I write this, and it’s so cliche, but it goes so fast. I feel like I blinked and my baby now looks like a little boy, and not a little baby anymore! Here’s something I realised quite early on - I’m not a fan of the ‘enjoy every moment’ comments. Not EVERY moment is enjoyable, and it doesn’t make the love any less. If you’re in a moment that feels hard, or boring, or challenging and you’re thinking ‘everyone said I should be enjoying this’ - it can be really hard on the mind. I prefer something like ‘You won't enjoy every moment, and that's not a reflection of how much you love them. Some moments you'll survive. Some you'll treasure. Most will be a bit of both.’ That feels so much kinder on the soul, right?!

I will say, these have been the best months of my life, and because this is the place I’m always happy to be more than vulnerable - they've also been some of the hardest, and loneliest. 

I feel a love I've genuinely never felt before - it’s like my baby boy is healing so many parts of me. My heart is on the outside of my chest, and I keep finding myself missing moments while I'm standing right in the middle of them. It's messy. It's chaotic. It’s loud. It’s such PURE JOY. He’s my little bestie, and the best thing that's ever happened to me. 

With that said, I wasn't prepared for how isolating motherhood can feel. Can we talk about the fact that (in the UK) you pretty much get one checkup at six weeks postpartum, and then... that's it? Mentally, physically, emotionally - women deserve so much more. 

Ace is an IVF baby, an elective C-section baby, a baby born to a 38-year-old me, and a formula-fed baby. He is a beautiful, strong, healthy boy. I share this because - 1. It’s my truth, and 2. There's still such discussion, and by that, I mean, judgement around at least 1 or all of those facts. I’m happy to explain myself, and it’s not because I feel I have to defend myself, but I believe by having these open conversations, we can be more open-minded to the different routes it can take to having your baby in your arms. I did IVF because my cancer treatment could have affected my fertility. It didn’t, but I grew very attached to my embryos that were being  stored for 3 years. It's magic that Ace was one of those embryos we decided to use, and that he'd been waiting for us all that time. I chose an elective C-section because I've been through a lot of trauma in life, and I wasn’t sure how I would respond mentally if a natural birth didn’t go to plan. My birth was calm, and so beautiful. My most favourite day ever. Considering I felt pretty anxious throughout my pregnancy, having the birth I had planned, prepped and hoped for, felt like an absolute win. These decisions were right for Ben and me, and if your story looks similar, I hope my words empower you to celebrate and own your journey too. 

I feel like I’m constantly losing and finding my spark in postpartum life. Never have I felt more whole, and never have I questioned who I am more. I’m learning, and un-learning daily, and the theme is - giving myself grace. I actually re-read all of my newsletter issues because I have definitely needed a little reminder of my own words along the way. I always find it so interesting how things can resonate so much more the second, third, fourth time of reading. 

Here's one for a laugh, and there have been plenty of these moments (would be great if I could remember them all!) - Last week, I finally got Ace down for a nap (a whole eight minutes of a nap), and I’m about to fly down the stairs, pour coffee into my eyes, tidy up, shower and organise my whole life in that time, because as I’m quickly realising - there’s an opportunity for some serious productivity in these nap windows. I walk into the kitchen and Ben says calmly ‘there is a bird in here’. A bird that is flying into the glass doors at the back of the kitchen, and struggling to get out, which we hated to see. So the entire nap (which on this occasion was a generous allowance from Ace) gets spent with me and Ben trying to be the bird whisperers, crawling around the floor trying to scoop up the bird. You’ll be pleased to know that we succeeded, and we got the bird into the garden, and off it went, but woah - the overstimulation I was already experiencing quite literally supercharged, and all before 9am. Very eventful. Very stressful. Handled with approximately zero calm or sense - I blame sleep deprivation!  

Currently, Ace has two front teeth at the bottom (how long will I spend saying ‘I think he’s teething’ anytime he cries?). He’s army crawling everywhere, which quickly got boring and now he’s into dragging himself up to standing and hanging over the couch. A definite ‘Dada’ here and there. A big, strong boy sitting proudly in the 99th percentile - he’s going to be tall. Did you know Ben was 6ft by the time he was 12?! Weaning is in full swing, and he is eating like an absolute king. Thankfully not a fussy eater like I was. He's worked out that if he leans over the side of his highchair, he can hand his food straight to Jags, so that’s an added element of carnage. The clean-up is relentless!

He is our wild, cheeky little blondie who has been lucky enough to go on some pretty cool holidays already, and watching him see the world for the first time - watching him learn, watching him slowly understand it all - is one of life's greatest gifts. 

Yes, I’m overstimulated about 90% of the time, a little hyperactive in my mind, and running on more caffeine than I’d like to be, but I am so obsessed with Ace.

I've felt so much love through every message, and every comment on social media. Thank You for the kindness. Forever grateful.

As you know, I waited so long for this chapter, and I’ve felt proud to fully step into family life and be as present as possible. Being really honest, I wasn’t 100% sure if I could step back into my career (definitely a deeper dive into this one week), but I realise that to be the best mother I can be, I have to pour into myself too (something I did not do very well at in the first few months). This quote really resonated:

‘You are a mother every hour of every day. But you’re also a woman who has never lived this age, this season, or this version of life before.  These years belong to your children… but they belong to you too.’ @hermomcircle on instagram

When I saw this quote on a late night scroll, it really felt like the encouragement I needed to nurture my career again. I love working, and a big love I’ve definitely missed? My Peloton family! So clip in, because the countdown to my return is on…

Next issue, we’ll be getting stuck back into the kind of topics you've come to expect from The Leanne Weekly - from the fitness myth-busting, the mindset stuff, and the real conversations about the things we don't always say out loud. 

As always, if there's ever a topic you want me to cover, or anything you want to share - drop it in the comments at the end. I read every single one, and I'll always try to respond. Feedback is welcomed.

Now, onto one of my favourite parts of doing this newsletter: my List of Joy. I love this bit - it forces me to actually stop and notice the good stuff, the small stuff, and the stuff I'd otherwise just not give a moment to. There's something so nice about getting to share it with you too. No gatekeeping here! 

Here's what's been bringing me joy this week...

My first three issues back of The Leanne Weekly will be landing every two weeks rather than weekly, while I properly ease back in. I promised you last year that we'd keep building this community, and I cannot wait to finally share what that looks like with you - in the next issue it all begins.

Leaving you with my quote of the week…