No. 4

‘The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.’ Elisabeth Foley

In your teens and 20s, friendships are often about proximity and shared experience: school, uni, dance classes, work colleagues, nights out. You don’t have to try that hard; you’re thrown together in life stages where socialising is constant.

In general, friendships aren’t just ‘nice to have’, they’re as important for health as exercise, diet, and sleep. Yet, adult friendships are often (sadly) hard to maintain with ‘life admin’ taking over. Between work, partners, kids (or not), and family obligations, getting a group of women together feels like a military operation. Spontaneity fades, often replaced by shared Google calendars and WhatsApp groups titled ‘Finally Dinner.’ 

We’re only just starting to scratch the surface, but the thing is: even if you only manage it twice a year, those meetups, rearranged countless times, often feel more nourishing than the weekly pub nights of your 20s. Intentionality makes them sweeter. 

This is a hard topic to cover today, not because of the life logistics I just mentioned, but because friendships are a really personal thing. My experience will be totally different to yours, and equally, we all hold such different space and thoughts for the value a friendship brings. Adult friendships require skills they don’t teach you in school. They can be complex, beautiful and sometimes hard. 

A real quick run down of my life in friendships (Probably nothing quick about it. This is going to sound like one of my famous 10min voicenotes. Buckle up everyone). 

Zoe and Lucy are my longest friendships. We’ve been friends since we were 4, so 33 years and counting. They’re really family to me. We’ve been through every chapter side by side. We don’t know it any other way, nor would we want to. 

I always had lots of friends at primary school, and then at 9, we moved to a new family home and I went to an all girls school. I stayed there until I was 16. It was pretty unheard of to leave my school at 16, but I was out of there. There was a bit of bullying in the mix, but to be honest, it was less about that, and more that I just always knew I wanted to go to performing arts college as soon as I could. I did have friends at the girls school, and one ‘best’ friend. I was probably seen as ‘popular’ to some at school, but with girls schools, you can be popular in one group, and definitely not liked in another, and that can be cruel. I was inseparable with my one best friend, although that sadly fell apart in our late teens over something it really shouldn’t have, and the friendship ended. We’ve gone on to lead really different lives, and I’m not sure we would still be friends now anyway, but to lose it how we did was really hard. That was my first major ‘ouch’ when it came to friendships. It also taught me how they ebb and flow. I’d been to school with the same girls for 8 years, and when I left, we barely spoke again. No drama, just moved on. They’re still best friends, but I just didn’t fit in with them enough.  

Anyway, when I got to performing arts college, I was like ‘THESE ARE MY PEOPLE’. It’s the best melting pot of the weird and the wonderful. My friendships from college were at the centre of who I was becoming, and honestly, at that stage in life, those friends were all that mattered really. We were in each other's pockets for 3 years straight, living life to the full, and training to be out there in the world doing what we loved most. It was exactly the same story when I began dancing professionally. When you’re touring and working in a LIVE environment, the pressure is on and you become a dysfunctional family pretty quickly. The connections become strong, and they mostly always remain throughout the years. The memories we share will keep a friendship, whether it be close or just friendly, forever. Dancers are good at sticking together. 

I met Danielle early on in my professional dance career, and we quickly became ‘Larm and Rarm’ - she was the left arm to my right. My ‘wine sister’ and my absolute rock. We also looked very similar and LOVED it. Just like with Zoe and Lucy, I could always be 110% myself. For those of you that have been following me for a while, you’ll know we lost Danielle in 2022. She was 34, beautiful and healthy and it was very sudden. This isn’t the issue I want to go into Danielle passing, but as we speak about friendships, let me take a moment to sing Danielle’s praises. She was the best of the best, for me and for everyone that knew her. So caring, so fun, so silly, so smart, so brilliant to her core. The bestest friend I could ever have wished for, and I felt so lucky to be so close to her, talking all day long, every day. The countless messages over the years saying ‘I couldn’t do life without youuuuu’ and yet here we are. I still feel her around me all of the time, I know she’s keeping me safe, and I still learn from her every day. I have said this many times, and it will always be true. Everything I do is to honour her. I miss her more than I could ever articulate. 

Deep breath.

My dance friends are still my closest friends. I mentioned this in the last issue, but we formed a group whilst dancing professionally that was really very, very special, and still is to this day. We thank a very dear friend of ours, Mr Paul Roberts for bringing us all together in 2007. We’ve had our friendship group completely rocked in so many ways and we stick together. We lived (wildly) through auditions, rejections, and triumphs together. Our friendships look completely different now. We used to see each other almost daily, travel the world, live in each other’s pockets, and only have to worry about our next gig. Now we’re spread across countries and time zones, some are mums already, others are building businesses, and catching up requires more coordination than a full on West End production. Thank f**k for our whatsapp group. 

And then finally, we get to the friends I’ve made as a ‘real’ adult / post my dance career and into my 30’s and beyond, they know who they are - whether that be through my career now, friends of Ben’s, friends of friends, or a chance meeting that sparked a connection that was well worth holding onto. The list isn’t huge, but these are the women and the men (most of them gay, naturally) that really light up my world. 

Here’s what I’ve learned so far: The quality of connection matters more than quantity of time. Life’s too short and energy too precious to waste on relationships that don’t actually nourish you. Some friendships naturally fade, and I’ve made peace with that. Growth sometimes requires release. What’s more, making new friends as an adult is weird and wonderful. You can’t just bond over growing up together or spontaneous nights out anymore. However, you can connect over values, life experiences, shared struggles. It takes more intention but often creates deeper bonds. I get a lovely buzz when I form a new connection with someone who I believe will become important in my life, but I’m honest and upfront about being ‘time poor’ and I’m personally ok with a few back and forth mammoth voicenotes and a catch up in person every few months. If they are too, we’re onto a winner. As I said earlier, careers intensify, people move cities, relationships turn into marriages or breakups, children arrive (or don’t), caregiving responsibilities for parents start to creep in. So these new friendships, on top of existing friendships that you may already feel you don’t have as much time for, require honesty, effort, and intentionality. This is the PERFECT moment to say how much I love the friendships formed at Peloton in adult life. Like minded people finding each other at the right time in life. Getting fit together, having fun and sharing moments way beyond the leaderboard. It’s beautiful to see. 

One thing I’m HOT on: Let's do friends nights where we’re not putting on a show. I know we all want to have fun, and probably want to be distracted from the day to day life when we’re with the girls, but it’s not real for us to say ‘yeah everything's great. I’m great. We’re great’ all of the time. Pour a glass of wine, or a tea and let's get into it. That’s my kind of girls night. The get together doesn't have to be perfect, it has to be real. In our 30s+, the strongest friendships are the ones where we can be real, where we admit the burnout, the fertility or hormone struggles, the financial stress, or the identity shifts. The armour drops. Vulnerability becomes the shortcut to intimacy. Could there be a vulnerability hangover the next day after sharing it all? Maybe, but that’s what friends are for, and with the right people around you there’s always moments in the mix for belly laughs too. 

There’s so many angles to look at friendships. I won’t be able to cover them all, and I’m sure I’ll leave a key factor out, but one of the BIGGEST revelations in my 30’s?! (and by the way, I really am still learning. I’m sure friendships will look different again in my 40’s and beyond, but I can only speak with where I’m at and hope it resonates.) I think women realise not all needs are met by romantic partners or biological families. Friends step into those roles: the godparent who shows up like an auntie, the friends who your children only know as Auntie, the friend who is your emergency contact, the group chat that becomes a lifeline at 2am or a random Wednesday evening. Friendships often morph into chosen families, especially for women navigating motherhood, solo living, or not living close to relatives.

I touched on a friendship breakdown, but we probably don’t talk about this enough: a friendship break up in adulthood can hurt more than a break up with a romantic partner. The drifting, the ghosting, or the moment you realise a friendship isn’t serving you anymore, it can feel BRUTAL. I can relate, for sure. As with many of us, I’ve been through some pretty big milestones in adult life, some good, some not so good, and you learn a lot about friends. Friends who you maybe didn’t see as being that close, but they then showed up strong at every moment and on the other end of the scale, friends that have been around forever, that then became pretty lukewarm in a time of need. Friends that take but maybe don’t give as much. You get it. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve felt this, but no doubt I’ve probably been that person too. I’m sure once the baby arrives, I’ll feel like I wasn’t there enough for my friends that are already mums. I don’t think I will have recognised the schedules, priorities, and availability suddenly changing at their time. It happens, but do I feel a bit sh*t about it now I’m on that journey? Yes. Not everyone will change or evolve at the same time but self awareness in a friendship is key. There’s definitely seasons to give grace, just like you would in a romantic relationship, and sometimes the grace period is a little too long, and it becomes a breakup. These changes can make space for new, aligned relationships. It’s the ‘Does this friendship lift me up, or leave me drained?’ That clarity can be painful, but freeing. 

I think I’m in a decade where some women quietly ‘audit’ their friendships. Maybe that’s every decade, but the energy drains, the competitive friends, the one-sided connections? They tend to fall away. You start protecting your time like you protect your health. It’s not about having less love, it’s about conserving energy for the relationships that truly nourish you. It could also be because we’re learning to love ourselves more?! Most of us don’t have the energy for twenty surface-level friendships. It becomes about quality, not quantity. Who are the two or three people you can call at 2am? Who notices when you’re quiet and checks in? Friendships shift from ‘fun together’ to ‘life together.’

And the friends who stick? They’re the ones who clap the loudest when you win, and sit with you quietly when you don’t. They’re not just friends, they’re anchors. They’re mirrors. They’re medicine. And they are absolutely worth the effort. 

So, we find ourselves at our Challenge of the Week: Movement strengthens muscles, friendships strengthen hearts. Which one of your friends has been your biggest cheerleader lately? Send a message to them, let them know, or even better, schedule some quality time together. 

And to my closest girlies reading this: Thank You for loving me through all my seasons. I’d be lost without you. 

‘A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.’ William Shakespeare

OK, so whilst I could write all day about friendships, I’d love to expand a little further on our ‘Movement as Power, Not Punishment’ segment from last week. Let’s talk about some fitness myths that dominate the gyms, magazines and Tik Tok.

Lessons learnt, cookies eaten, let’s talk joy.